Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
