Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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