It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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