just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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