yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
