he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
