Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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