and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
