you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She bit a glass in half.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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