Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
