I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
whose ass print is on the piano?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
