the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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