I wish I only lived at night.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
