Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
the liver wants what the liver wants
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
