ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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