I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
false alarm. still invincible.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
