apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
