I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
