She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
