the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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