turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
