i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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