I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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