I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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