i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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