I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
