How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
