You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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