Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Pants are for mortals
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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