Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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