tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
