May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
