wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
