Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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