Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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