I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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