Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
