Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
