two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
