My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
