Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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