I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
