Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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