Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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