I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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