3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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