i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
