So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
