The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
