i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My cat gives me a boner
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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