You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
