Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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