So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
